Humorous Expectations Of A Pastor

For many people, the pastor is a representative of God. They’re the ones who are supposed to know what’s going on in Heaven, and they’re charged with delivering that information to the congregation.

But for every pastor who knows what’s really happening up there, there’s another one who thinks that God is just like your mom: She’s always watching, and she knows exactly what you’re doing all the time.

Funny Things Pastors Say

The “Ideal” Pastor
The ideal preacher lasts precisely ten minutes.

He is a harsh critic of sin, yet he never causes damage to others.

He works as the church janitor in addition to working from 8 AM to midnight.

The ideal pastor is forty bucks a week, drives a nice car, has nice clothes, reads good literature, and gives thirty dollars a week to the church.

With forty years of experience, he is 29 years old.

Above all, he has great looks.

The ideal pastor spends much of his time with older people and has a strong desire to work with youth.

His sense of humor, which makes him smile all the time while keeping a straight face, helps him maintain his unwavering commitment to his church.

He visits fifteen homes every day and is constantly available in his office for emergencies.

The ideal pastor consistently makes time for every committee within the church council. He is always engaged evangelizing the unchurched and never skips a church organization meeting.

The ideal pastor can always be found in the church next door!

Just forward this notification to six other churches that are also sick of their pastor if yours falls short. Your pastor should then be wrapped up and sent to the church at the top of the list.

You will receive 1,643 pastors in one week if everyone works together.

There should be one that is flawless.

Trust this letter. In less than three months, one congregation broke the chain and welcomed back its former pastor.

(All of this demonstrates how we frequently have irrational expectations of our pastors.)

Master instructors from several art disciplines frequently give classes at my favorite art supply store. They have a conference in two weeks that will feature a fantastic watercolor artist and cost close to $500 for multiple days. The artist provides a list of supplies that registrants should bring with them on the website. The fact that the materials are specialized, plentiful, and relatively pricey won’t come as a surprise. But this was the final item on the list of “things to bring with you”:

A good sense of humor.

That should give you a hint that the artist will be entertaining and the class will be fun. It made me wonder, though: What if churches included that little message as a scroll at the bottom of their websites? “Bring a lighthearted attitude.”

Wouldn’t doing so convey a statement about that church?

That would be a clue that these folks don’t think too highly of themselves. Indeed, they do take the things of God quite seriously. however, not by themselves.

Entering the ministry? Bring a Bible, a background in theology, a commitment to work, serve, and love, as well as a healthy sense of humor. You’ll require each one.

[Did Jesus think funny jokes?]

Everything needs a good sense of humor, but especially a body like the church. Since most members of churches range widely in spirituality, carnality, and maturity, the pastor and other leaders must present their teachings in a way that is both understandable to all and use language and imagery that appeals to the broadest possible audience. A good sense of humor has the power to change everything.

The following 20 are included in no particular order. I ended up leaving out some very funny faux pas, but I decided to keep it relatively clean with a PG rating.

1. “God loves a cheerful liver.”

2. “We must guard against that four-letter word called pride.”

3. While preaching on John 3 where Jesus talks about the wind blowing: “You can’t break wind.”

4. The word was supposed to be “deprecating,” but the pastor told them they needed to be “self-defecating.”

5. Speaking about making too many excuses, the pastor told the congregation he had “a big but that always gets in the way.”

6. In a child dedication service, the pastor said, “the history of child sacrifice goes back many centuries.”

7. It was supposed to be “hearts”: “Father, you know our farts.”

8. Preaching in a nursing home, the pastor told the residents, “God, I want you to bless each person here at this funeral home.”

9. It was supposed to be “enemies”: “God has given you power over all your enemas.”

10. “Mary washed her hair with Jesus’ feet.”

Expectations Of A Pastor

As a talented and proficient pastor, you are sure to offer your congregation numerous benefits. You can help them grow their faith, provide spiritual support, help individuals who need it and lead them in meaningful worship. You will guide them through the complexities of life to ensure that they stay on the right path as they face its many challenges.

My favorite art store often brings in master teachers for classes on various kinds of art. In two weeks, they have an amazing watercolor artist doing a conference lasting several days and costing nearly $500. On the website, the artist lists materials registrants should bring with them. It will not surprise one to learn the materials are specific, numerous and somewhat expensive. But the last item in “things to bring with you” was this:

A good sense of humor.

That’s a dead giveaway that the artist will be fun and the class enjoyable. But it started me thinking: What if churches added that little note as a scroll across the bottom of their websites? “Bring a good sense of humor.”

Doing so would send a message about that church, wouldn’t it?

It would signal that these people do not take themselves too seriously. Yes, they take the things of God with the greatest of seriousness. But not themselves.

Going into the ministry? Bring along a Bible, a theological education, a willingness to work and serve and love, and a good sense of humor. You’ll need them all.

A good sense of humor is needed in all things, particularly in a body like a church. Churches are typically made up of people at every level of maturity and immaturity, spirituality and carnality, where the leaders (the pastor and teachers) have to package their teachings in words and images understandable to everyone. A good sense of humor could make a world of difference.

Funny things are going to happen at your church, whether you like it or not, whether you plan for it or not. So leaders should stand ready to roll with the punches and to let their funny bones have their moment. Doing so will ease many a rough spot in church relations.

I‘ve talked before about a nine-year-old who spoke a word of praise in a worship service that brought the house down. The previous Friday night, the local football team had made a trip 350 miles up the highway to take on the No. 1-ranked high school team in the country and had beaten them decisively. So, that Sunday morning, toward the end of a lackluster service during which much of the congregation had dozed, the leader was giving prayer requests. Then, he said, “Does anyone have a praise report? Something you’re thankful for?” At this point, the kid woke up. He said, in a voice so loud that all could hear, “We kicked Hoover’s butt!”

It was a wonderful moment. I only wished he’d said that at the start of the service.

Tense moments, hilarious sayings, tech breakdowns, embarrassing incidents and awkward happenings—hereafter referred to as SGOIC, “stuff going on in church”—are going to come up. It’s just the nature of things. After all, your congregation is made up of humans who are going to be doing some things not everyone will like, approve or understand. The leadership is going to be pushing some program or event that some will not appreciate, but that is a necessary part of kingdom work.

The sound system will go out, the baptistery will leak, the power will go off, the speakers will blast your eardrums into the next county. The kid being baptized will cannonball into the water, a member of the choir will trip and take out the row of tenors entering behind him and a dog will wander into the building.

When that happens, a healthy sense of humor allows leaders to keep it all in perspective—not to be overwhelmed by it—to keep their cool and hopefully to keep their jobs and fall sleep on schedule that night.

Laughter is the only appropriate response to the SGOIC.

An old deacon came to see a pastor friend of mine. “We need to make some changes around here,” he informed his shepherd. “From now on, we’re going to run a tighter ship. To begin with, you cannot make personal calls from the church office. If you need to talk with your wife (this was before cell phones) you’ll have to get in the car and drive home.”

“And another thing, Preacher. The copy machine is costing a lot of money. So, from now on, you must keep a record of every copy you make, what it is and who it’s for.”

Now, the pastor told the man this was unacceptable and he would not abide by those rules. That was the right response, I imagine. Sometime later, though, he ended up resigning as a result of a lot of similar things, of which this incident was typical. But if ever there was a place for a response of pure laughter, this was it.

I wonder how it would have been had the pastor broken into a belly laugh and said, “Oh, that’s a good one, Deacon. I love it.” And when the old gent protested that this is for real, the pastor would keep laughing, and say, “OK, let’s think of some more bizarre rules. No using the men’s room except during the lunch break. How’s that? Oh, and the preacher must always be in the office from 8 to 5, and at the same time visit every hospital and all the shut-ins. How’s that?” And continue laughing.

The old guy would have stormed out, no doubt. And the outcome—the pastor leaving—may well have been the same. But something about the laughing response seems called for.

Laughter is the right response to some bizarre behavior. God said so himself. “The kings of the earth set themselves against ‘God and his Christ.’ They say, ‘Let’s rebel against him and throw off these chains!’ He who sits in the heavens will laugh. The Lord scoffs at them.” And then the Lord gets mad. “He will speak to them in his anger and terrify them in his fury.” That’s a slice of Psalm 2, my paraphrase.

Proverbs 26:4 advises, “Do not answer a fool according to his folly, lest you also be like him.” When the crotchety, old church-boss decreed that the pastor not use the church phone for anything but official business and record every single copy he made, to respond with reason and argument dignifies the fellow’s ideas and puts the preacher on the same level as him. The Proverbs passage gives us a better way of responding.

“Answer a fool as his folly deserves, lest he be wise in his own eyes” (26:5).

That is, you answer just as foolishly as other guy did.

The old geezer deserved an answer of pure unadulterated belly laughing. “Oh, what a comic you are, Deacon! Thank you for making my morning. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard of! I love it. ”

And then, the pastor continues: “Say, how about you and your wife come over to my house tomorrow night after prayer meeting, for dessert. Let me call my wife on the phone right now and make sure that works for her. OK?”

If it does, run off a copy of directions to your house.

My friend Shellyn says, “Jesus had a great sense of humor. We see it in his response to being informed that he owed some taxes. What did he do but have someone bring up a fish with money in its mouth.” (See Matt. 17:27.) She adds, “Boy, think of how that coin smelled!”

A healthy sense of humor for people in the ministry will allow you to …

• Sleep at night when part of you wants to get angry.
• Help your spouse when he/she is chafing at the SGOIC.
• Keep your health and not let the SGOIC give you a heart attack, drive your blood pressure into stratospheric regions or inflame your ulcers.
• Roll with the punches when the guy who hates your guts for no apparent reason attacks you verbally in church. (It will happen.)
• Shrug it off when the church leadership rejects your plan for a building expansion or renovation or relocation or whatever. Pick up your stuff, thank them, smile real big, and go home and take a nap.

A good sense of humor will do one huge thing more: It will help you not to take yourself too seriously. And that is a gift we’d like to see a lot of the Lord’s children receiving.

Short Pastor Jokes

Do you have that pastor who loves to belt out a short story that ends up being a joke and nobody gets it? Perhaps you can share this one to him and make your Sunday gatherings funnier and happier while praising God.

HALLELUJAH AND AMEN JOKE

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say,

 “Hallelujah!”

 The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, “Amen!”

 The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher’s instructions.

 “Hallelujah!” shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. “Amen!” shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.

 “This is great!” said the man. With a “Hallelujah”, he rode off very proud of his new purchase.

 The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop.

 “Stop,” said the man. “Halt!” he cried. The donkey just kept going.

 “Oh, no…

 ‘Bible…Church!…Please Stop!!,” shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge.

 Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer…”Please, dear Lord.

 Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN.”

 The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

 “HALLELUJAH!”, shouted the man.

THREE REDNECKS GO TO HEAVEN JOKE

Three Rednecks just died,
and arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates
if they can answer one simple question.

St Peter asks the first Redneck,
 “WHAT IS EASTER?”

The Redneck replies, “Oh, that’s easy,
it’s the holiday in November when
everybody gets together,
eats turkey, and is thankful…”

“WRONG,” replies St. Peter,
and proceeds to ask the second Redneck
the same question,
“WHAT IS EASTER?

The second Redneck replies,
“No, Easter is the holiday in December
when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents,
and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”

St. Peter looks at the second Redneck,
shakes his head in disgust,
looks at the third Redneck and asks,
“WHAT IS EASTER?”

The third Redneck smiles and looks St. Peter in the eye.

“I know what Easter is.
Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with
the Jewish celebration of Passover.
Jesus and his disciples were eating
at the last supper
and Jesus was later deceived
and turned over to the Romans
by one of his disciples.
The Romans took him
to be crucified and he was
stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns,
and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands.
He was buried in a nearby cave
which was sealed off by a large boulder.”

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third Redneck continues,
“Every year the boulder is moved aside
so that Jesus can come out… and, if he sees his shadow,
there will be six more weeks of winter.”

ENTERING HEAVEN JOKE 

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.       

     Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

     Saint Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

     The guy replies, “I’m Jack Thomas Jr., taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.”

     Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

     The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Then it’s the minister’s turn. He stands up tall and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s Church, for the last forty-three years.”

     Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of  Heaven.”

     “Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man before me was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.
Why, How can this be?”

    Saint Peter, looks to the preacher and says,

     “Up here, we work by results,”

“While you preached, people slept. While Jack drove, people prayed.”

FOREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived:  Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself.
The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, “Well, Forest, it’s certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you.
I must inform you that the place is filling up fast,
and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.”

Forest responds, “It shore is good to be here Saint Peter.
I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams.
Shore hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.”

Saint Peter goes on, “Yes, I know Forest.
But, the test I have for you is only three questions.
Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?
Second, how many seconds are there in a year?
Third, what is God’s name?”

Forest goes away to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
Saint Peter waves him up and asks,
“Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”

Forest says, “Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?
Shucks, that one’s easy; that’d be Today and Tomorrow!”

The saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims,
“Forest!  That’s not what I was thinking, but… you do have a point though,
and I guess I didn’t specify, so I give you credit for that answer.”

“How about the next one” says Saint Peter, “how many seconds in a year?”

“Now that one’s harder,” says Forest.
“But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”

Astounded, Saint Peter says, “Twelve! Twelve!
Forest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”

Forest says, “Shucks, there gotta be twelve:
January second, February second, March second… “

“Hold it,” interrupts Saint Peter. “I see where you’re going with it.
And I guess I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind.
I’ll give you credit for that one too.”

“Let’s go on with the next and final question,” says Saint Peter,
“Can you tell me God’s name?”

Forest says, “Well shore, I know God’s name.
Everbody probly know it. It’s Andy Howard.”

“Andy Howard?” asks Saint Peter.    
“What makes you think it’s ‘Andy Howard’?”

Forest answers, “It’s in the song and the prayer.”

“The song and the prayer?” asks Saint Peter,
“Which song and prayer?”

“Andy’s song”, responds Forest,
“Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me… “,
and The Lord’s Prayer,” responds Forest:
“Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name…”

Pastor Appreciation Jokes

Pastor jokes…and religious jokes in general…float around the internet in quantities as large as the grains of sand in the Caribbean! But as they travel from one inbox to another, the original author’s name is usually lost. So most of the jokes below do not show the author’s name. I’d be glad to include the name if he or she can be found.

Enlightened Pastors

This pastor joke might offend just about everyone!

At a recent pastor’s retreat each minister in attendance was asked the following question: “How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?” The answers were as follows.

A Presbyterian Pastor responded, “None. If God wants the bulb screwed in he is sovereign and will do it himself without human effort.”

A Charismatic Pastor replied, “None. The bulb doesn’t need to be changed. We should pray that it be healed.”

A Pentecostal Pastor said, “None. We simply need to cast out from the bulb the demon of darkness.”

The Fundamentalist Pastor stated, “None. We shouldn’t even enter the room because we need to keep ourselves separate from all darkness.”

A Baptist Pastor responded, “None. If we allow physical contact between a person and the bulb it might lead to dancing.”

The Wesleyan Minister replied, “None. If we just show the bulb its need, it already possesses the power to screw itself in.”

A Non-Denominational Pastor said, “None. We don’t want to make the bulb feel unwanted or uncomfortable.”

This poll provides one clear conclusion: it’s no wonder pastors are always in the dark.

Pastoral Search Report

We do not have a happy report to give. We’ve not been able to find a suitable candidate for this church, though we have one promising prospect still. We do appreciate all the suggestions from the church members, and we’ve followed up each one with interviews or calling at least three references. The following is our confidential report on the present candidates.

• Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
• Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
• Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man’s wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
• Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.
• Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
• David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor’s wife.
• Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
• Elijah: Prone to depression-collapses under pressure.
• Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
• Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife’s occupation.
• Deborah: Female.
• Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, and reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of foreign river.
• Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.
• Jonah: Refused God’s call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
• Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people. Might fit in better in a poor congregation.
• John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn’t dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
• Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper—even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
• Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.
• Timothy: Too young.
• Jesus: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all and this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he’s single.
• Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We’re inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.

Advance Notice

A bishop visited a church in his diocese. Only three people turned up to hear him peach.

He asked the Vicar “Did you give notice of my visit?”.

“No” replied the vicar, “but word seems to have got round anyway”.

The Ears Have It

This pastor joke might turn your stomach if you are not a hunter.

Three friends decided to go deer hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a doctor, and the other a preacher.

As they were walking, along came a big buck. The three of them shot simultaneously. Immediately the buck dropped to the ground and all three rushed up to see how big it actually was.

Upon reaching it they found out that it was dead but had only one bullet hole. Thus a debate followed concerning whose buck it was.

A few minutes later a game officer came by and asked what the problem was. The doctor told him their reason for the debate. The officer told them he would take a look and tell them who shot it.

Within a few seconds the game officer said with much confidence, “The pastor shot the buck!”

They all wondered how he knew that so quickly.

The officer said, “Easy. The bullet went in one ear and out the other.”

Nuts

This pastor joke proves that good hospital etiquette can save some embarrassment!

A preacher went to visit an eldrly woman from his church who had just had an operation. As he was sitting there talking with her, he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the stand next to the bed. He began to eat them, and soon it was time for him to leave. When he got up he noticed he had eaten all of her peanuts.

“Sister Jones,”he said” I’m sorry I ate all of your peanuts.”

She replied “That’s okay pastor, I already sucked all of the chocolate off of them.”

Hot Air

My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read,

“For a sample of this week’s sermon, push the button.”

Dead Pastors

This pastor joke is an exaggeration … but only a slight exaggeration!

Two ministers met in the after life.

One said, “Isn’t heaven wonderful after the parish ministry?”

The other said, “This isn’t heaven!”

Poor Pastor

This pastor joke reminds us to know whose listening when we talk.

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, “When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money.”

“Well, thank you,” the pastor replied, “but why?”

“Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had.”

---

Goat for Dinner

A young couple invited their elderly preacher for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

“Goat,” the little boy replied.

“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?”

“Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Dad say to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'”

Three Pastors and a Drunk

Three preachers were driving down the road when they missed a turn and went into the ditch. As they pulled themselves together, a drunk pulled up and asked if they were all right.

“Oh, yes, Jesus is with us,” one replied.

The drunk thought that over for a minute. “Well, you’d better let him get in with me, you’re going to kill him!”

The Coat Hanger

A pastor was at church when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left church and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn’t know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, “You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.”

The pastor looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, “I don’t know how to use this.” She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The pastor thought, “This is what you sent to help me?” But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, “Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?” He said, “Sure.” He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, “Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man.”

The man replied, “Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour.” The pastor hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, “Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!”

Monastary

A monastery in the English countryside had fallen on hard times, and decided to establish a business to defray their expenses, such as a bakery or winery. Being English, however, they decided to open a fish-and-chips restaurant. The establishment soon became very popular, attracting people from all over.

One city fellow, thinking himself clever, asked one of the brothers standing nearby, “I suppose you’re the ‘fish friar’?”

“No,” answered the brother levelly, “I’m the ‘chip monk’.”

Clerical Collar

A little boy, not accustomed to seeing a priest in his “work uniform” went up to the priest and asked, “Why do you dress so funny?” The priest replied, “This is the uniform that I wear when I work.”

The child, still staring at him, asked, “Do you have a boo boo?” The priest was somewhat puzzled, but quickly figured out that the child was looking at his white and black Roman collar. The priest pulled out the white plastic insert and showed it to the child telling him that it was also part of his uniform.

On the back side of the collar there was some writing: “Wash with warm soapy water.” The priest showed this to the little boy and then asked him “Do you know what these words say?

The little boy, obviously much too young to read, stated, “I sure do.” The priest a little taken aback then replies, “OK then, tell me what they say.”

The little boy then replies, “Kills fleas and ticks for up to six months.”

Two Ministers

A Baptist Minister and a Presbyterian Minister are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Presbyterian leans over to the Baptist and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Baptist just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Presbyterian persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5.”

Again, the Baptist politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Presbyterian, now somewhat agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $50!”

This catches the Baptist’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Presbyterian asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The Baptist doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Presbyterian.

Now, it’s the Baptist’s turn. He asks the Presbyterian “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?”

The Presbyterian looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his church— all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Baptist and hands him $50. The Baptist politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The Presbyterian, more than a little miffed, shakes the Baptist and asks “Well, so what’s the answer?”

Without a word, the Baptist reaches into his wallet, hands the Presbyterian $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Get Behind Me, Satan

Struggling to make ends meet on a first-call salary, the pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. “How could you do this?!”

“I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and then I found myself trying it on,” she explained. “It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, ‘You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it!'”

“Well,” the pastor replied, “You know how I deal with that kind of temptation. I say, ‘Get behind me, Satan!'”

“I did,” replied his wife,”

but then he said, ‘It looks fabulous from back here, too!'”


Free Hair Cuts

In a small town there was a Catholic priest, Jewish rabbi and Bapist minister.

One day the priest went to get a hair cut. After the barber cut his hair the priest wanted to pay him. The barber said, “Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God.” So the next day when the barber went to open his shop he saw a loaf of bread with a thank you note.

That day the rabbi came for a hair cut. Again the barber said, “Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God.” So the next day the barber went to open his shop and found a bottle of wine and a thank you note.

That day the Baptist minister came for his hair cut. Again the barber said, “Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God.”

The next day when the barber went to open his shop he found 10 other Baptist ministers with a thank you note.

Bad Boys

This pastor joke reminds me of some preacher kids I know!

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved.

The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons’ behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past. She asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the pastor.

The husband said, “We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!”

The pastor agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually.

The 8-year-old boy went first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?” The boy made no response, so the pastor repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face, “WHERE IS GOD?”

At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, “What happened?”

The younger brother replied, We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!!”

Beer and Liver

A preacher once preached about the danger of drinking beer and he showed the congregation a clear glass with a piece of liver inside and poured beer inside and let them watch what would happen to your liver if you drank.

There was a little drunk in the very last bench that stood up and said,

“Oh my, I’ll never eat liver again.”


Leave It The Way You Found It

A pastor places his order at the pet store: “I need at least 50 mice, 2000 ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get.”

The clerk replies, “We can probably do that, but it might take some time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?”

The pastor replied, “I’ve accepted a call to another church and the congregation council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it.”


Jesus Wept

Jesus made a quick return to earth for a visit. He came upon a lame man, had compassion on him, and healed his leg. Further down the road, Our Lord came upon a blind man, had compassion on him, and healed him.

A little further down the road, Jesus came upon a man sitting on the curb sobbing his heart out. Jesus asked him what was wrong. The man cried out in agony, “I’m a pastor!”

Jesus sat down beside him, put his arm around him…….

and cried too.